You deserve a life of freedom, joy, and self-expression.
We hear all the time that if we want to change our life, we have to begin with ourselves. Change our thoughts, change our outer world, try new things, learn to love ourselves. And that’s all true.
But what happens when you go do all that, and still don’t feel like enough?
To be truly wild and free is to be strong, connected, and powerful at a soul level, to taste the very essence of life and feel turned on with every breath.
Too many women are still seeking freedom and expression outside of themselves, doubting their wild spirits and dimming their brilliance, trying to do it all without taking care of themselves. There’s no point to having a rockstar lifestyle if at the end of the day you still feel alone and uncomfortable in your own skin. Trust me, I know- I’ve been there.
Hi, I’m Kate. Once Upon A Time, I believed in magic.
As a kid, when I grew up I wanted to be a writer, an artist, a bunny rabbit, a figure skater, a witch, and a lady knight. I wanted a strong body and clear mind so I could fight bad guys, a secret garden sanctuary where I could write stories and daydream and have tea parties, and a spell book filled with enchantments to make the world pretty and life easy-lucky-free.
I’m proud to say that even though I never got my letter from Hogwarts or won my shield to be a knight of the realm, who I am today isn’t so far away from that wild, daydreamy little girl who believed in magic and and played the starring heroine role with ease.
For most of my life though, I was locked in a battle with myself. The free spirited kid who dreamed of riding dragons and rescuing princes walked into that maze labeled “not good enough”, checked her power at the door, and spent the better part of two decades trying to find her way out.
Building the Walls of Protection
In that maze I ran into a lot of dead ends with labels like “you’re too fat to date”, and “cut from the volleyball team”. I got stuck for a long time at the corner of “the more I achieve the more love and praise I receive” and “doing things my way leads to rejection and punishment”.
On the outside, I kept charging along, never let ‘em see me sweat, and only spoke up when I had something clever to say. I thought that was how it was supposed to go. I think it was somewhere around “secret daily panic attacks” and “counting every calorie that went in my mouth,” when I wondered if this was it.
I hid my insecurities and loneliness under heaps of achievements and adventures. Straight A student, president of this club, advocate of that cause, had a sexy boyfriend, a great apartment, a fun job… and I never felt more alone.
At the beginning of my 20s I was scrambling to graduate University summa cum laude and figure out my future, running in circles between “never let ’em see you sweat” and “shut up you’re being ungrateful”. In the spirit of adventure I explored abandoned buildings, drank champagne on the beach, and went on tour with a band, wondering when it was all going to come crashing down.
The Breaking Point
Alongside all this, I was hiding a severe addiction to weighing myself and determining my self-worth by the number on the scale (and as I was weighing myself approximately 16 times per day, that was a lot of energy dedicated to judging myself.) I even went to the bathroom once in the middle of sex to see how much I weighed. True story.
After college I moved to Denver and the first thing I did when I was alone in my new house was find my scale. I held it in both hands close to my chest, carrying it into the bathroom with a pounding heart. I set down the scale, took a deep breath, and stepped on. And… nothing. Blank screen. Step off, step on. Nothing. Tap tap tap. Empty. Pick up, shake, reset. Blank screen.
I could feel the panic rising up in me, tears in my eyes, tension radiating. Still nothing. As I desperately tried to make my scale turn on, the years of disappointment + self-hatred and the lies of “I’m doing great!” rolled through my brain and body, crashing down around me.
I sat on that bathroom floor sobbing and holding my scale for the better part of 2 hours, alone in a new city, mega uncomfortable, and wondering how on earth it had come to this. And by the time I had cried out the years worth of suppressed emotions, I realized something. My scale may have been broken, but I wasn’t.
That day, I saw the light at the end of the long, dark, ‘not enough’ maze. I made the decision not to buy another scale, and committed to discovering a different way of being.
Becoming Soul Strong
Since the day my scale broke a lot happened. I began gathering knowledge, tools, techniques, and practices for living the best life possible. I thought that meant having a great body, being in a loving relationship, going on adventures, and doing work that lit me up. So I became a yoga teacher and fitness instructor. I became a part of a great community and learned to trust other people. I learned a lot about myself through relationships and building a business. I jetted off on plenty of international adventures, and practiced my handstands in the park. I had everything I had pictured for my life. What more could I want?
See, this is where most people stop. They think about what their ideal life would look like, an outer representation of what they think will make them happy. They read the self-improvement books, start exercising and eating right, dabble with tapping into the power of the Universe, and set out to create the life of their dreams. And it works- to a degree. I’ve seen countless women flirt with possibility, begin to shift their mindsets, and feel more free, only to get blindsided by an unexpected circumstance or still feel closed off from true connection and power.
Beyond Self Improvement
We can only take in so much knowledge. Seeking self-improvement is still buying into the belief system that there is something to improve, that you are not enough as is.
But I didn’t realize that yet. My inner world was uneasy. I knew I was feeling a lot better than I used to, and I was enjoying myself more. I had everything I wanted, but in the middle of all this goodness, it didn’t feel like enough. I was still procrastinating, saying negative things about my body, comparing myself to other people, and to top it all off I was ashamed of not feeling more grateful for the life I had. I felt like a fraud because despite it all I was still living with the same stories. I thought I should have had it figured out by then.
After awhile, I couldn’t take it anymore. I declared to a group of people in the jungle in Costa Rica that I was done doing the freedom thing halfway and it was time to stand in my truth.
Three months later I moved my yoga and coaching business online, took on some graphic design clients, quit my job, sold all my belongings, and hit the road. When it was truly time, I didn’t just walk out of that ‘not good enough’ maze. I sprinted.
When I made that powerful declaration, I finally experienced, at a cellular level, that to stand in my truth meant having complete trust in myself. Intellectually, I understood that freedom meant not waiting for permission or perfection. As I radically took apart my life, I finally began to feel it too.
The Journey Home
All those years I was making lists of what I wanted my ideal life to look like, what I really wanted was an experience of life where I felt safe to be me. An experience where I could be challenged and excited but also comforted and supported. I wanted ‘home’.
So I got into it. With the aid of mentors, coaches, and teachers I went from trying to build the prettiest package of my life into experiencing home within myself. For the first time I allowed myself to be supported on my journey, even though the work was entirely my own to experience. It made all the difference. When I stopped trying to do everything myself, I gradually began to release my fear of being alone. I realized that the more I allowed myself to be seen, the more I attracted people into my life who made me feel alive. The more comfortable I felt in my own skin, the more present I was able to be in my experiences.
I went from hating my body to making her my most powerful ally.
All those things I wanted in my ideal life? I have them, and more.
When my mind wanders back into the maze of ‘not good enough’, I can easily guide her back to her power, because I know that maze like the back of my hand.
As I’ve traveled all over the world and worked with hundreds of women, I’ve witness firsthand the wonder and joy that comes from feeling comfortable in your own skin. I’ve also seen how few women feel this way, and it breaks my heart. Coming home to myself and giving my soul a place to rest has opened me back up to the magic that has always been within me.
I know how to strengthen my body and clear my mind to fight the bad guys. I’ve created a sanctuary within myself where it is safe to dream. I have my own magic spell book to turn to when I am in need of some support and guidance.
And I want you to have the same. It’s totally possible, if you’re willing to choose it.