**Note** This was originally published for Facebook on February 17th, 2014 here: https://www.facebook.com/kate.marolt/posts/10104256604622150.

 

A CONFESSION, AND A COMMITMENT

I have a confession to make. I don’t really even know where to start. It’s very easy to make my life look glamorous and magical and paradise on social media. For the most part, my life IS pretty magical- and so is yours- it’s all about what you choose to see. There have been a lot of posts about the magic, because in general, I believe that is what we should focus on. This post is about the contrast.

Okay, here goes. There are certain things I’m really not happy about. It has been almost 6 months since I taught my last class at Qi, and almost 6 months since I nearly cut my finger off. My body stiffened up a lot post-surgery, and without my normal teaching and training schedule, I got a little bit lost. Between moving a few more times than I anticipated and a slight series of unfortunate events, my body began to change in a way I didn’t really like. While I knew what I needed to do to feel better on an intellectual level, I let other things take focus and priority and drifted further from my connection to my body and my heart.

In these past 6 months, I have witnessed every insecurity I’ve ever had about my body resurface. Old habits and addictions have been enticing me to come back to them. My yoga practice became practically non-existent— at least, the yoga practice I was used to. I feel stiffness and aches and tension where I never had before. I’ve gained weight and lost muscle. I’ve been focusing and hustling to create escape velocity in my business- to get it to a point where I’m not in a slight panic over everything I have to do to make it work in a way that feels good to me. The resulting stress shows up in the acne on my skin, as circles under my eyes, as tightness in my neck. My energy levels fluctuate in a way I’m not used to, and I miss teaching consistent classes every week.

This life is wonderful- I have never felt more free and more in alignment with where I’m supposed to be in the world. I’m in BALI. And I’m also having a bit of an identity crisis. It’s complicated. I went to yoga class this afternoon and more often than I’d care to admit I felt sluggish, weak, stiff… certain movements I used to take for granted and do with ease, not warmed up at 7am were not possible within that 90 minute period of time. I take up a little bit more space than I’m used to, and my joints feel creaky. I’ve been desperately holding on to titles like ‘yoga teacher’ and ‘fitness instructor’ as if they will shield me from what’s happening in my body.

It’s time to let those go. To let down the shields, the excuses, the pushing things away. The past 6 months have happened, period.

Sometimes things need to fall apart so they can be rebuilt with a stronger foundation.

So that’s what I’m doing now. Unlike 4 years ago, when I was addicted to weighing myself, a compulsive eater, and my head was full of self-hatred, I have the tools and mindset I need to continue to love and take care of myself, even in the midst of all the change and uncertainty. One thing I realized over the past 6 months is that for the first time in my life, I default to self-care and gentleness. No more beating myself up and striving to reach perfection. Just giving myself space, witnessing all the shifts, and turning inward.

That being said, at times I feel like a fraud. I haven’t been practicing what I’ve been preaching. I still believe it deeply, with even more certainty than ever now that I remember what it’s like NOT to move and play on a regular basis.

I’ve wanted to travel long term my whole life, and here I am making it happen! And annoyingly, there is a small part of me that wishes I had just stayed put, because going to cycle-yoga and working on my muscle up progression and being known and loved in my community are things I appreciate even more now that they aren’t here with me. More than once I’ve wondered if I’m somehow ‘doing it wrong’. Go figure, right?

And I haven’t always listened to my intuition. My body has been both begging me to move and pleading with me to rest. I would like to say I’ve done the best I could at all times, but I don’t always give my body what it needs. I’ve been denying it the type of self care that really speaks to me- that of movement and training and pushing to new levels.

It’s time to rebuild from the ground up. The beautiful thing is, is that it’s not really starting over. There are plenty of things I can’t do at this moment in time that I could do 6 months ago. But my body remembers how to do them- I just have to remind it. Every time we cycle around to something we thought we took care of, it can feel really frustrating. “Aw man, I’m back HERE again? I promised myself I NEVER would be here again.” The beauty is that every time we cycle around, we bring with us tools, experiences, and wisdom we didn’t have the first time around. I am finally ready to implement.

So here is my commitment. In 19 days I head to the west coast of Bali to do an advanced teaching immersion with Janet Stone (eeeee!!!). Starting with today’s class, I will attend at least one yoga or dance class every day between now and then, preparing my body and mind for the immersion, and re-discovering the connections and movements that are in me. The immersion is 10 days, so it’s kind of like my own 30 day challenge. I will also do 3 HIIT workouts per week to rebuild my strength and cardio capacity.

I am doing this because yes, I ‘want my body back’. But what I really want is my CONNECTION to my body back. I want the same level of confidence and upper limits to play with in my physical practice above all else.

I’m sharing all of this for 3 reasons.

1) It’s something I’ve felt slightly ashamed of, and the more we shed light on our shame, the less power it holds over us. So selfishly, this is cathartic.
2) My hope is to be of service- to my clients, to my friends, to anybody who feels a connection to what I’ve written. There is good to be had in all choices and experiences, just like it is possible to have not-so-good. Find the magic in where you are, right now, and know that everyone has things they are going through! And it’s okay if you aren’t happy 24/7.
3) Accountability. I want to stick to this, so public announcements usually work pretty well for that!

If you’ve made it all this way, thank you for reading. You are amazing. 6 months seems both like a long time and like no time at all. I know where I was 6 months ago, and I have a vision for where I want to be 6 months from now. How about you? What can you build in 6 months?